Irish Examiner Friday June 25th 2004
Ways to get your point across
Helen O’Callaghan explains why the ability to negotiate is a prized skill.
There’s one thing you’ll do every minute today and that’s negotiate.
With yourself first of all – ‘Will I get up now or will I hit the snooze button for another 10 minutes?’ ‘Will I have that coffee or not?’ And that’s before you even begin negotiating with others.
“Every day of our lives we’re negotiating. From the baby in the pram looking for attention to the father negotiating with his teenagers on how long they stay out,’ says Cork-based life coach, Ann Kelly, who believes effective negotiation is an art which can be learned.<
“Being a good negotiator can mean more money in the bank, better relationships with your partner and others, and interesting solutions to work or personal situations. For instance, if you’re going through a divorce or separation, being a good negotiator can mean the difference between left without a roof over your head or living in comfort for the rest of your life.”
So what are the hallmarks of a good negotiator? “Somebody who can listen well, is clear and has knowledge,” says Kelly. “Knowledge about the person or company on the other side of the table is extremely important. Listening well and being 100% in tune with the other person, verbally and non-verbally, is also important so you can read between the lines, know when something doesn’t match and question for clarification.”
You’ll recognise good negotiators by their clarity of thought. They know what they want and they know what their fallback position is.
But in the most fraught areas of human conflict, how do you negotiate well? How do you negotiate with, for example, the partner you’re separating from or the teenager who’s hell bent on doing it his way – and still come out with a win for everybody?
DIVORCE OR SEPARATING COUPLES
It’s important to build a basis for negotiation and to agree at the outset that you have a situation that needs resolution.
“Emotions often get in the way and people lose focus about what they want and what’s possible for them” says Kelly.
“If I’m emotive you hear a charge in my voice,” she adds, explaining that it’s not until people become ‘charge neutral’ that they’re calm and detached enough to negotiate.
“When emotions are high, you need an intermediary. But you still need to listen, have clarity and knowledge. You need to be able to negotiate with your intermediary and be sure they know what you want.”
PARENTING TEENAGERS
Your 16-year-old is smoking. He wants to smoke inside the house but when he does the fire alarm goes off. It’s the cause of many a battle between you and your partner and between the teen and you.
Compromise is essential here, says Kelly. “You can use all your adult logic and say ‘you shouldn’t be smoking’. But you can’t make somebody do something. You’ve got to win them round – they have to have a reason for moving from their position.
“Saying ‘you can’t’ and ‘I won’t’ – that’s not negotiation.
It’s better, Kelly suggests, to say ‘ok, this person smokes he isn’t going to change. I need to compromise.’ One possibility she suggests is to allow the child to smoke outside for a designated amount of time each evening (say 15 minutes). “That way both people are winning.”
EMPLOYEE LOOKING FOR RAISE
You’ve been working in a company for 10 years. You’ve taken on more responsibility as the years went on and you feel your salary doesn’t reflect the job you’re doing.
The first important thing is to know the person on the other side of the negotiating table and to know the company system. Negotiating a better deal might involve looking at other positions within the company or looking outside.
“If the system is you can only get to a certain grade, then you have to find another way of getting the perk. Ask yourself ‘is there any leverage I can bring to the table that’s of value to them?’ Or you can look at other available positions in the company and see if you can move over. There’s always a way,” advises Kelly, who also recommends asking the employer for suggestions on how you can earn more money.
PARTNERS COPING WITH CHANGE IN THEIR RELATIONSHIP
Take a couple sailing along nicely in their relationship, when suddenly there’s a child in the equation. Now they’ve got to deal with the issue of their time no longer being their own. Who’s going to get up at night to feed the child, for example? They’ve got to negotiate to adjust to the change.
“I’ve come across people, both men and women, who are juggling the housework, the job and the child on their own. The person doing all the work needs to negotiate. Otherwise, resentment builds up and the relationship breaks down. You have to do it piece by piece. Take one aspect – who’s going to collect the baby from the child-minder? You need to be clear; ‘I want to do x. Will you do y?”
For details on Ann Kelly’s workshop, Getting the Edge on Your Negotiations – By Using Your Brain For A Change visit her website at www.yourworldyourway.com
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